Despite everything, I can’t bear the thought of this ring being lost forever, any more then I can bear the thought of leaving you forever. And though i have no choice about the one, at least I can choose about the other. Im leaving you our family ring because you have as much right to it as i do
I’m writing this watching the sun come up. You’re asleep, dreams moving behind your restless eyelids. I wish i knew what you were thinking. I wish I could slip into your head and see the world the way you do. I wish I could see myself the way you do. But maybe I dont want to see that. Maybe It would make me feel even more than I already do that I’m perpetuating some kind of Great Lie on you, and I couldnt stand that.
I belong to you. You could do anything you wanted with me and i would let you. You could ask anything of me and I’d break myself trying to make you happy. My heart tells me this is the best and greatest feeling i have ever had. But my mind knows the difference between wanting what you cant have and wanting what you shouldnt want. and I shouldnt want you.
All night I’ve watched you sleeping, watched the moonlight come and go, casting it’s shadows across your face in black and white. I’ve never seen anything more beautiful. I think of the life we could have had if things were different, a life where this night is not a singular event, separate from everything else that’s real, but every night. But things aren’t different, and I cant look at you without feeling like ive tricked you into loving me.
The truth no one is willing to say out loud is that no one has a shot against Valentine but me. I can get close to him like no one else can. I can pretend I want to join him and hell believe me, up until that last moment where I end it all, one way or another. I have something of Sebastians; I can track him to where my fathers hiding, and thats what im going to do. So I lied to you last night. I said I just wanted one night with you. But i want every night with you. And thats why I have to slip out of your window now, like a coward. Because if I had to tell you this to your face, I couldnt make myself go.I dont blame you if you hate me, I wish you would. As long as I can stil dream, I will dream of you